abductions and reconstructions

absent

2007-03-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

Whoa.

It's been that long? Well, my muse has been on a month-long strike for lack of summons. And it's not necessarily true though that she's back on the job. I just suddenly thought that it seems such a waste of cyberspace if I don't claim my very small part of it.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions, ironically being raised to such lows, different kinds of lows, and different heights thereof. I'm waiting for the rainbow now. I'm waiting to reach the hilltop after traversing such dark paths. The journey has been exhausting... so far.

It seems to me that I'm back where I was 7 years ago, when I convinced myself that I wanted to take this path. And I did. And the courage of my conviction has faltered. Or maybe, it never was there anyway. I'm as lost as I've always been.

Nonetheless, I am thankful. If not for the people around me right now who genuinely wish for my happiness, who understand the sophomoric uncertainty, who respect the relativity of utter confusion, and who are actually extending their helping hands, I would be broken.

So now, where do I go from here?

Tears of Joy

2007-02-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

What is up with me?

Sunday afternoon, surfing the web, and all the happy news are making me shed tears of joy. Labo.

First I was at People, and I see a photo tribute to Mariah's career. I loved how she said that she didn't look at 2006 as her comeback, because she never left, and her real fans have always been there. I don't know, I just started to cry.

Then, I read on Yahoo! about Helen Mirren's most recent award, Best Actress at the BAFTA, and Forest Whitaker's Best Actor award. Reading what he said, "This means a lot because to be embraced by another shore is a special thing," just made tears roll down my cheeks.

And lastly, I learned also on Yahoo! that in Manila, 6,124 couples kissed during a pre-Valentine's day festival and broke a kissing record. Awww.

My drama abruptly came to a halt, though, when, at the end of the article, Katherine Hermosa said something. Nyek. Hahaha.

Friday afternoon

2007-02-09T17:08:00.000-08:00

It seems that I've been attending too many meetings. While taking down some notes on personal stuff, and to separate my already existing checklist from another checklist, I put on the heading: ACTION ITEMS.

Suddenly, life has seemed to be taken out of a Dilbert comic. Nice.

Enough of that, I don't want to bring work at home.

Anyhoo... It has been a while. Things are going okay. No dramas whatsoever (at least not so much anymore). As Ellis Grey would say, You're happy... It's ordinary.

It's been 3 weeks now since JesUs and I started my Sunday afternoon cooking classes. I love it, it's been fun. I love him even more, but of course, that is something that could be left unsaid. He knows it, I know it, so I don't need to tell him while making salsa di pomodoro.

With Valentine's Day coming on Wednesday, I can't help but fantasize about an uber romantic evening, contrary to the sweet dinners that we have/go to. We're usually fun, and lively, and sweet, and casual, and sometimes even risque. But now I'm thinking romance. Not that it is even something that I think would happen unless otherwise requested (i.e., by me). He's seductive, not romantic. I'm sensitive, not romantic. I light up candles for sensuality. He brings wine for things to be bubbly. So, I don't know. It will be nice, though. I don't want to hope, because it's him. He doesn't beat around the bush. He's with me, and we straightforwardly enjoy each other's company. I guess that's that. We're sweet. Not romantic. Of course, everybody could use a little romance, right?

-----

I miss Mommy. Daddy and I are living off the food supply Mommy prepared before she left. There's a lot, so it would take us a while. We'll make use of the time Mommy is away to make some changes around the house. I am not sure how good it will be working with Daddy, haha. The thing with him is that it's so hard to make him get up and start. Once he's up, it's easy though. With Mommy, once I'm ready, she's ready too. Kahit anong paabot, game sya! Hehe.

-----

Okay, Cushie's here to chat with me...

Worry-free

2007-01-14T19:29:00.000-08:00

You really handle things very lightly. So zen.

Well, I have two options: Do what I have to do, or do what I have to do while stressing about it. I choose the first one.

How does he do it?

Since 2007 began, I told myself I'm going to do that. It has only been a couple of weeks, so I can't really gauge how successful I have been. However, I found a little questionable variable to the Worry-free equation.

In the things that I know I didn't stress about too much since the year began, I found, though, that the reason I was able to do so was because I also cared less.

But I don't want to care less! So I asked the expert.

No, you do not care less, he said, You just deal with it, mincing at every step.

I don't know how I would get used to the fact that caring is a variable, but not in direct proportion to worrying. It does take some practice. And I'm getting right on it.

-----

On a totally different note, I'm currently listening to Miss Saigon, singing to the tune, loving every part of it, because the heat is on in Saigon!

I remember a couple of years ago, I saw this with my best friend, Apes, when Miss Saigon went to the Philippines, and Lea Salonga reprised her Tony Award winning role.

It's soothing, really, my favorite musicals, despite the intensity, and despite how vivid it still is to me, such a movie in my mind.

I wish I could see more musicals. JesUs doesn't like it, he says he's not there yet. Maybe I should still look some up, and bring my parents. I'm sure they'd love it.

Betty La Fea

2007-01-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

So, I was watching the American version of Betty La Fea, aptly called Ugly Betty, and there was this character of a Japanese designer who, contradictory to his minimalist designs, had a huge entourage. Anyway, one of his guys carried around a white boombox with him all the time. Here's the problem: whenever they were in a scene, the boombox was playing Bebot by the Black Eyed Peas.

Eh.

Oops, wrong Asian nation!

New Blog

2007-01-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

New Year, New Blog!

I felt like moving away from my lovely black and have something diametrically opposing it. This change can be a metaphor of sorts, but I think it was mainly because my eyes are getting worse, and it would be unfortunate if I could not even read my own blog.

But, yes, metaphors they may be.

A couple of days ago, I had toasted to the year that was, that made us who we are today. So I looked back.

2006. This time last year, I was mainly troubleshooting: my life, my feelings, my mistakes, just trying to bring things back to the way they were, even if I was desperate for a change. I was doing that, oblivious, of course, of the leap of faith that I would be making in the next couple of months. And change came when I least expected it.

It was a battle, 2006 was. It was a battle of trying to prove that I've grown. It was a battle against myself and everyone around me. I don't know if I already won the battle, but certainly, victory would be sweet, and I am already filled with its aroma.

Glass half empty, glass half full. It's just a matter of how you look at it. For 2006, I couldn't say. Because I'm certain I definitely saw it as both, and both at the same time. And now that I'm looking at it, now that I'm in 2007, the glass just got bigger. So really, I couldn't say.

So I move away from my lovely black to the diametrically opposing white. I'm turning around. In 2006, I got comfortable. I pray, and I will definitely try to make it happen, that 2007 will be an exclamation point, even if the sentence has not ended.

Happy Birthday, Ricci

2007-01-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

Cheers to the 2006 that made us who we are at 2007! Happy New Year!

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite niece!

graduated from daddy's skepticism

2006-12-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

Kerol asked:

he graduated from daddy's skepticism? totoo ba yan?! lam mo naman si daddy minsan "diplomat"...and by diplomat, i mean plastic..ahihihi:D gets?

Yup, totoo!! I actually think JesUs did when he ran into Daddy at the bank a couple of weeks before Christmas. They talked, yada yada yada, and JesUs said he was surprised (in a good way) that Daddy gave him a hug when they parted ways.

Christmas eve, we had lunch at Auntie Doray's, and Daddy was telling me about the golf course that Robert Kiyosaki developed at Eagle Ridge in Tagaytay.

He said, "Tapos, mag-g-golf kami ng tatlo kong apo!"
We smiled. Pause.
"Tapos, madagdagan pa ng latinong apo!"

Syempre, ako, shocked, "nako, huwag muna!!"

So, yes. I think totoo. Hmmm.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T17:19:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Jesus (Christ)! Merry Christmas, everyone!

----

Kerlo: How's Jesus V? Well Jesus C is still gonna be born. Jesus V is still much much older.

Haha, Kerlo. : That statement has so many things incorrect about it.

random

2006-12-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

I brought my grandfather to get his haircut yesterday. And on our way out, a girl, who just bought a bag of Doritos, hugged one of the building's columns and spun around it. I thought, that was random. And she did it again, and again until she reached the one in front of the laundromat, which apparently was her destination.

Hmmm. The things we do to entertain ourselves. And you know what? I'm sure it worked for her.

-----

My father excitedly showed me this 9-in-1 game set he bought for $9.99. He said that my mother contradicted him for wanting to get it when they were at the store because we had dozens of chessboards already. But he insisted to get that one, because it had that chinese checkers board.

I said, sure, I know how to play chinese checkers.
Both of them scoffed at that. No. We're playing kangaroo.
What the hell is kangaroo?
They explained.
No wonder my father was so excited. Like with chess, I did not beat him at all.

-----

Why little stories such as these?

I finally understood the point of blogging. It's where you say things that you say to yourself in your head. And, things run across my mind constantly. Things that may be useless, or may be a waste of time, but they were there. They passed by. And they gave me something to do in my quiet moment, so I don't have to fill those moments up with daydreams, songs, or stress about the past. (Although, I do like to daydream and to sing in my head, so maybe they're more useful when I'm stressing out in general. Let me just use these random thoughts for that.)

Doug: Lately, you've been starting sentences and deciding you're just not going to say them.
B: I suddenly realize they're better in my head.

And they will end up here.

-----

How dare this person disrupt me from my random thinking! He's been calling for the past month or so, but I never answered his calls because I am not interested in him, not to mention that he's asking me out when he knows that I have a boyfriend. But to be polite I just send him a text message. However, I've never been so irritated until now that he interrupted my from my random thinking. Ugh.

Now I have to go.

global orgasm

2006-12-23T10:54:00.000-08:00

Like I told Kerol, I'm so proud that I did my part for this good cause. Read on.

Calif. Couple Calls for Orgasm for Peace
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESSFiled at 9:08 p.m. ET
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Two peace activists have planned a massive anti-war demonstration or the first day of winter. But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home. The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.''The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it,'' Reffell said Sunday. ''Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change.''The couple are no strangers to sex and social activism. Sheehan, no relation to anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, brought together nearly 50 women in 2002 who stripped naked and spelled out the word ''Peace.''The stunt spawned a mini-movement called Baring Witness that led to similar unclothed demonstrations worldwide. The couple have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly an outgrowth of men trying to impress potential mates, a case of ''my missile is bigger than your missile,'' as Reffell put it.By promoting what they hope to be a synchronized global orgasm, they hope to get people to channel their sexual energy into something more positive.The couple said interest appears strong, with 26,000 hits a day to their Web site, www.globalorgasm.org.''The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part),'' Reffell said. ''And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, then hey, all the better.''
-----------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------
THE 1ST ANNUAL SYNCHRONIZED GLOBALORGASM FOR PEACE
Please send this out to your entire mailing list!
WHO? All Men and Women, you and everyone you know.
WHERE? Everywhere in the world, but especially in countries with weapons of mass destruction.
WHEN? Winter Solstice Day - Friday, December 22nd, at the time of your choosing, in the place of your choosing and with as much privacy as you choose.
WHY? To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. There are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti-submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, so the time to change Earthâ€™s energy is NOW!Our minds influence Matter and Energy fields, so by concentrating any thoughts during and after The Big O on peace and partnership, the combination of high orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention will reduce global levels of violence, hatred and fear.This is something just about everyone can do and enjoy. And you can do it by yourself or with someone else. You don't even have to tell anyone you're going to do it!
THE SCIENCE
The Global Consciousness Project (http://noosphere.princeton.edu), Princeton University, runs a network of Random Event Generators around the world, which record changes in randomness during global events. The results show that human consciousness can be measured to have a global effect on matter and energy during widely-watched events such as 9/11 and the Indian Ocean tsunami. There have also been measurable results during mass meditations and prayers. It's free! It's private! Itâ€™s easy! It's fun! It just might be the most important thing you could do for yourself, your family, the planet and our species. http://www.GlobalOrgasm.orgBaring Witness, a 501(c)3 non-profit organization for peace and partnership (http://www.BaringWitness.org)

i didn't

2006-12-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

Well, so, I didn't. The moment wasn't right. I just wasn't ready.

We were both so hyped up by our Mac and Deja Vu discussions, that it could not have been said.

What the hell, right. Something like this should not even be planned. It should only come out so naturally, making it all the more real. I know I am very much compelled to let him know already.

Because life's to short, babe, time is flying. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.

And, from what I know, he should be looking for baggage that goes with his, too.

It should be simple.

We don't know what the future holds, so let me just seize the moment and tell you that I am in love with you. And it just makes me so damn happy to let you know that.

One thing, though, that I know that's standing in the way is this doubt in me. I have been such a relationship-flop to be skeptic about my own feelings. For some reason, I confuse one for the other, I equate one with another, I choose one over the other. So doubtful, it makes me afraid because I don't know what I'm getting into.

I find myself staring into space, not particularly knowing what exactly I am thinking about. But that silence is both my comfort and my hell. Distractions run through my brain as I try to focus on thinking of him, and thinking about what I feel for him. What do I feel for him? There is no thundering of my heartbeat, my palms don't get sweaty when I think of him. But these signs are apparent when I think of him being gone.

Seriously, can I just please get some clarity around here? Even at least for this. I so don't know where I'm heading to already, can I just please know who I'm walking with?

this is the day

2006-12-07T17:34:00.000-08:00

As what we already know, knowledge is a tricky thing; and there's comfort in not knowing.

So, how would you know how to use some piece of knowledge that you learned, that was given to you? When would you use it proactively? And when would it be a sign to run away. I sure wish I have a lot of wisdom right now, because I am having trouble on knowing what I should do with what I know.

-----

So this is the day. Let's get Rent-ish again:

Who knows where who goes there...
Who knows... here goes...
Trusting desire - starting to learn
Walking through fire without a burn
Clinging - A shoulder a leap begins
Stinging and older, asleep on pins.

I should tell you, I should tell you, that I love you...

I should already. I mean, come on. What's the worst that could happen? I am just stating a fact, right. AND, people love hearing that. I just should not expect to hear it back. How hard could that be (*gulps*)?

shocker

2006-12-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

Jerks still lurk around.

It is the saddest when they lurk around the sweetest of the girls they would ever meet.

See, I had the notion that, in general, guys have matured more than what girls give them credit for, i.e. by taking responsibility for a kid, or at least by letting the girl move on when he decides to abandon her.

I'm sorry, but some guys just pull down the average.

I have to commend my friend, sweet Apple. She's right. What good would it do for her to hunt him down and stay mad at him? It would be just a waste of time and energy, both of which she could very much use for something else.

-----

I asked him what he would do if I get pregnant. He said he would follow me to Spain (where I will escape to), because he needs to and wants to take care of me.

Guys like him pull the average up. However, he is an older guy... so... ummm... hmmm...

honestly

2006-11-27T14:30:00.000-08:00

Taken from Kerol's:

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? -- not wearing any

2. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?-- my stupid iPod that my iTunes cannot detect

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?-- doing this, while trying to fix my iPod

4. Honestly, what did you do today?-- i did... 3 times this morning... hahaha! and, i settled a bunch of stuff that required me to be on the phone with customer service reps. For what it's worth, this customer is always right!

5. honestly?- yes

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?-- not really. The customer service guy from CompUSA was very condescending so I kind of lost my diplomacy.

7. Honestly, do you watch the Disney channel?-- no

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?-- maybe Angelina Jolie

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?-- pleasant surprises

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?-- no

11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?-- pissed about my iPod

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?-- i don't think so.

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?-- yes

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?-- yes

15. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?-- no

16. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?-- this girl:

17. Honestly, have you been loyal in your current relationship?-- yes

18. Honestly, are you in denial?-- a little.

19. Honestly, would you rather be having sex right now?-- no. can't have too much.

20. Honestly, who are your best friends?-- apes, kerol, ate jing, julie

21. Honestly, do you like someone?-- yes

22. Honestly, does someone like you right now?-- i think so.

23. Honestly, have you ever laughed so hard you wet your pants?-- no

24. Honestly, are you tired of MySpace?-- never had an account. but i think it's so pedestrian now.

release...

2006-11-19T16:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing. Duh.

Writing has always saved me from having to keep things to myself. It is my excuse for whining, being furious, and all the gory things that are unhealthy for you.

But these days, I am just inarticulate, even when I write. Words don't flow as easily. And my frustrations are buried in the things that have to be accomplished, and, more positively, by the joys that the company of my family have brought. Kerol and Ricci being here is just a breath of fresh air. Tired, yes (Ricci is just tireless), but laughing. With them around, I see the value of bigger and more important things. And it becomes so apparent to me what type of people you should surround yourself with: people who care about you, people from whom you can learn from, people who will inspire you, and people who enjoy your company. It is only when you have such people around you that you can do these things for your world, to pay it forward.

I miss non-superficial relationships. I miss things having deeper meaning.

There should be more sensible people around.

Is it really easier if a person just would not care so much than for everyone to exert an effort to care a little more?

So, I look around me and there are so many things that I have been stalling on. My computer area is a mess: magazines, receipts, catalogues, everything. I haven't posted my NY pictures on multiply, I haven't written any reviews on all the movies I've seen for the past 2 months. I just have lost that energy. And finally, I am posting an entry here, you know, just because.

So this is the adult life. You have to balance work, family, relationships, dreams and aspirations. In reality, one of course outweighs the others. And this one might not even be what life is about. But, how exactly can we not tip off?

I'm rambling. I hate it. See, inarticulate.

that's when i love you

2006-11-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

Apes and Biang - New York City 2006

When you can't quite match your clothes, when you laugh at your own jokes, that's when I love you, more than you know.

Cuz here's my promise made tonight, you can count on my for life, cuz that's when I love you, when nothing you do can change my mind.

When God just has so much for you to accomplish, and you're so far behind, you'll never die.

Apes, it might not mean so much to you, that I actually care for you so much. But you carry the exact same Body Shop hairbrush, and the exact same Vaseline Petroleum Jelly, you're just my soulmate, my twin, and you can't do anything about it. I'm always here okay, just remember that.

be there soon

2006-10-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

My friends are very much my friends that, like me, they know that no matter how much we won't talk or see each other, everything will stay the same. Although, they don't know, like I don't know, when I could really use one.

I am guilty of this.

I will be there soon, Apes.

Guess I'm off to NYC.

river piedra

2006-10-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

Mutual admiration society, ever, pero seryoso, the more I love the members of this society (hihihi), the more it seems that everyone else just doesn't matter.

Okay, I know that is a hyperbole of sorts and that may mean that I love the other people I love less. But it's not that way exactly. These people are just so there, so here in my life that I could literally feel them sitting in the left atrium of my heart. They just so provide the oxygen that keeps me alive.

Anyhoo, the reason for my glee is Ate Jing's advice to check out page 95 of By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. And here it is:

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

-- by Paulo Coelho

I will read this repeatedly so that it will resonate in my heart.

Nonetheless, I am just so grateful that I have very wise friends who care.

ate jing wrote...

2006-10-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

pangga said...
There will always be a bigger problem than mine. So I should just keep mine to myself right and remain as shallow as I seem.

that's true but only if you juxtapose your problems with everyone else's and take it at face value.

i think no one's problem is bigger than the one's who is going through it. if pain is relative, so are problems.

personally, when i have a dilemma, like kunwari, should i stay or should i go, i feel that my problema is bigger than the famine in somalia. sometimes i even thnk that at least in somalia, other people go out of their way to help, eh sa kin ako lang yung makaka help sa self ko when i don't know what to do, or when i'm not brave enough to take action, i feel well, helpless.

so really biang, no matter how petty you think you problem is, it's big coz it's yours.

does that make sense?

--> biang's reply:
ate jing!

yes it's perfectly clear. that's why i think it's okay to cry and to rant. and, it's okay too to ask for friends to just be there.

i've felt so alone lately. i mean, i always feel alone, and i always am. but this is the first time in months that i finally admitted to myslef that i am as vulnerable as any caffeinated girl with big emotions. and then i felt so alone. big time.

i have people around me asking how i am, just out of a habit. but seriously, do they really want to know even if i really do want to tell? whereas more often than not, they ask that because a polite answer is to ask them back, and then they will get to release.

maybe i should make it a point to ask the question first.

i guess this whole thing made me think that hey, they have issues, and mine is puny.

even if it's bigger than the famine in somalia. and you're right. at least the jolie-pitts will get to them somehow, right? hehehe.

love you, ate jing! and thanks as always!

New Template

2006-10-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

New template that I did on my own! Yey me! Tell me what you think!

Un-shallow

2006-10-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

I realized now why I haven't been blogging, and why it is that when I do write up an entry, it would be about some shallow thing like the weather, the shoes I want to have, or a little this or that about my pathetic non-love life.

It is because after I read an entry from Kerol, and she talks about marital problems or bliss and the kids who I very much adore who at their young ages are making everyone so proud, and when I would think that I do need to post something so as not to abandon this blog like I did to my other accounts, I pause and ask myself, "seriously, who do you think would want to know about your shallow drama? If you don't have something profound or creative to say or write about, don't say it. Otherwise, you're just taking up cyberspace that may be used for something useful like ebay or internet porn. At least that would give someone pleasure."

In a broader sense, I guess my shit is just not important. It's no contribution to society. It's just plain shallow.

I rant about a guy I'm deeply in love with who doesn't feel the slightest bit of affection. How pathetic is that? It should be an easy fix. Kerol and I were chatting the other day:
B: alam mo, super in love ako with this guy talaga.
B: tapos alam ko pang hindi nya ako love as much.
Kerol: biang_brat: tapos, alam ko pang hindi naman nya ako love as much...--edi lalong boo to me...kala ko ba love nya ako as much????
So see, I guess it is boo to her if that's her case right. And mine shouldn't be a problem.

But it does hurt. Because pain is relative. And maybe it's okay for me to complain, and rant, and be pathetic for my petty "dilemmas".

Kerol found solace in her room of solitude. It was her escape. Meaning, she has some things to escape from for her sanity. And that's good.

My life of solitude is tormenting. Quiet. Deafening silence type of thing. Unwanted. Unneeded. Unloved.

What do I live for? Who do I live for? Nothing. No one.

My friends are very much my friends that, like me, they know that no matter how much we won't talk or see each other, everything will stay the same. Although, they don't know, like I don't know, when I could really use one.

There will always be a bigger problem than mine. So I should just keep mine to myself right and remain as shallow as I seem.

6:30 pm

2006-10-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

For the first time this season, the sun didn't shine in the sunny valley.

Not until 6:30 pm. How twisted is that?

I'm not a fall person. I'm not a winter person. There are two things I like about fall and winter. One: the fashion. Two: the cold breeze that makes snuggling so comforting.

But those bring some dilemmas. Fall/Winter clothing are more expensive. My favorite accessories (shades and hats) are out of place. And I just cannot pull off carrying an umbrella, even a trendy parasol. Oh, and snuggling is only good if you have a warm body to snuggle against. So your pillow, favorite stuff toy, or fleece blanket doesn't count. If you do have a warm body, but not on a regular basis, I won't count that either.

On the bright side, have been a couple of sales, and more to come. But as I pointed out that fashion gets pricier during these seasons, I'm taking advantage of the sales for home stuff, which is yey too. I finally bought the very much needed kitchen knives that I have been stalling with. And I got chic ones too with stainless steel handles. Hihihi.

How pathetic is this? I'm talking about the weather.

Soon-ish

2006-10-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

I will love her... soon-ish. -- George (of Dr. Torres), Grey's Anatomy.

Is it really this way? Will he love me soon-ish too? Is it comforting or just plain kapikon?

Grrr.

Kerol's Meme Reply

2006-09-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

from Kerol:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
-i'm sorry, pero boyzone din...hahaha:P
-- will I never be able to escape from this? hahaha. It's okay. At 13 and so europhile, they were cute... hehehe
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
-cook an actual meal.
-- like a whole meal? Just to let you know though, my recent fettucine alfredo was commendable, as well as my mexican style omelette. Not to mention my tiramisu. If I make them all together and serve them in one meal, does that count?
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
-purple and black
-- yup yup.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
-you're smart and rich, but no, contrary to what i wanted you to believe you are, you are not selfish. you share your wisdom and wealth because you don't want to enjoy the glory by yourself.
-- awww.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
-when you cut my hair really short, i had to endure an apple cut.
-- eheheh. I didn't know we weren't cutting for real!
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
-a big purple dinosaur...hahaha:D
-- ahahahah!
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
-can you buy me a pair of good bcbg shoes?
-- I'll try. Hehe.
8. If I do this for you, you must in turn post this meme on your LJ or blog.
-just do it:D
-- done.
9. With a letter I assign to you, you must write ten things that you like that begin with that letter.
-the letter Y:D
-- I gave ate jing Y din! Let me see.

you are my sunshine
Yucatan
yolks of eggs for baking
Yes to love
yung black na SLK 500
Yellow by Coldplay
youth
years of experience (which somehow negates youth hahaha)
Your body is a wonderland
yield

23

2006-09-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

I am... 23 today.

(sigh)

(sigh once more, heavier this time)

In one year...

I have done something I will forever regret.
I have ended a relationship.
I have begun a new one.
I have become a trainer, no longer a trainee.
I have actually been working working, not just going to work.
I have read a measley grand total of 4 novels.
I have added 8 pairs of shoes to my addiction.
I have replaced my supposed 4 more pairs of shoes with a new addiction to expensive mineral make-up.
I have learned how to successfully glam up all by myself.
I have learned that I have to make this world a better place for Cushie.
I have successfully made tiramisu enough to impress a really good cook.
I have learned how to say "I want you to f*** me tonight" in 5 languages.
I have had the best sex ever (so far).
I have been reminded that I have friends who I may not talk to for a long time but are omniscient enough to never let anything change.
I have a better idea of what I want for my life.

... okay, can't recount them all. but most recently...
I have seen, 1/2 of the DNA discovery tandem, James Watson.
I have been 15 feet away from the Foo Fighters, Bob Dylan and the Black Eyed Peas.

... good enough, then. But this morning when I woke up, it hit me like lightning. I am 23 today. So I have to do more now than I had a year ago.

Having said that, I have to remind myself of what my good friend Karen said yesterday.
Biang: I'm a year older tomorrow.
Karen: Actually, you're only going to be a day older from today.

Hmmm... True.
But it seemed like I have to actually be older and wiser than my whole year of being 22.

Lavina Pumps

2006-09-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ate Jing,

Here they are:

Remember the snake skin Charles David ones that I found but was only 3 inches. Well, this BCBG is 3 1/2 inches, and is cheaper. I was going to let peep toes pass, but I bought this really nice red dress that is screaming for peep toe pumps...

For $110, should I or should I not?

Even better in real life

2006-09-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

Looks good in real life... Feels even better knowing it's mine... hihihihi...

Meme

2006-09-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, just for kicks.

The MEME:Leave your name and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must in turn post this meme on your LJ or blog.
9. With a letter I assign to you, you must write ten things that you like that begin with that letter.

Here's what Ate Jing said with my replies:

1. Boyzone hahaha! -- AHAHAHA!!! That's a good random one!
2. Come to work in tinginingining curls :p -- hmmm. I sort of did. One time, I had to go to work on my day off, and Jesus and I got home around 3am from a night out in San Francisco. I had my tinginingining curls then. And I woke up 20 minutes before I was supposed to be at work, so I just washed my face and body, and tied up my curled hair... I don't think that counts, though, but I'll try to work on it hihihi.
3. Purple, duh! -- duh!
4. I like the person you turned out to be :) -- awww.
5. The first choir practice in my house! Hahaha! -- be an angel!! (sustain..)
6. Jolog-detecting dog :p -- i know!
7. When I become the First Lady of the Philippines, will you still shop with me? -- OF COURSE!!! For one thing, I'd always love to shop with you! Secondly, it's in our history that a former First Lady was into shoes... I'd naturally stick with you! Hahaha!
8. If I do this for you, you must in turn post this meme on your LJ or blog. -- done.
9. Ten things you like that start with the letter G!
g-spot
g-string
gone in 60 seconds
girl interrupted
godfather
grey's anatomy
gifts
gorgeous shoes to die for
great coffee shop conversations with good friends
gucci

Edie

2006-09-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

Another yey for me please...

This one is cute cute. It wasn't really something on my list, but I just thought of getting it anyway because I realized that I don't have any ballet flats yet. Last season, I used to borrow Kerol's, but since she went back to the Philippines, I didn't have one! Big shock! Now it's on its way.

Hihihihi.

Who needs a man when you've got love for your shoes? Was that too bitter? Hehehe.

Confusion

2006-09-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

Here is the reason why it just bothers me so much even if there's nothing wrong:

How close should two people be for them to be called a couple?

In all of the physical and mental senses of it, when these two people have bonded so tightly, just why is the emotional part the last one to join this whole mesh of things? And when it does, why is it that it always dawns upon one of them before the other? Or, maybe just to one of them even.

If that happens, are they a couple then? Or just steady partners?

When waking up next to him gives you this inexplicable sense of solitude.
When you pick out his favorite drink at the grocery store.
When he remembers you don't like onions in your hamburger.
When there is that dire need to hear each other's voices.
When he brings your hand to his lips and kisses the back of your palm as if you were his princess.

What are you two then?

Adanaar

2006-08-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hihihihi.

Yey me!

2006-08-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

After a tiring, not so good, not so bad, stressful day.

"I know why you're mom reminded you about that pregnancy thing."

"Why?"

"Because she saw two towels in the bathroom."

"Oh, no. It wasn't there then."

"Oh, okay. That's good then."

Scoff, scoff.

"What?"

"Nothing. You're weird."

"Why?"

"Because I'm your dirty little secret."

"Oh, please don't think that. Please. You know you're not."

Then prove otherwise.

"Please. We both are not in good states of mind to talk about that."

"Yes. Not tonight."

As if there ever would be a night.

Pause.

"Well, I was thinking of going to see you tonight but we're both in quite bad moods, and I don't quite have the energy to drive, plus you have work tomorrow."

Oh please! Wanting but can't? Bull!

"Yes, don't. I have work tomorrow. And it would be the clash of the titans."

"You're funny."

Nyek.

Leo's funny status

2006-08-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

Leo, my best friend Apes' brother, had the funniest YM status recently:

Who will win, Israel or Lebanon? VOTE NOW.

In the event of reality tv competitions, winners decided from poll results, maybe voting on it could just be the answer to the problem, and let the victor walk away with the $1 M prize. And then we forget about them afterwards.

Sigarilyo

2006-08-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

Nakakatawa. Dito lang sa Amerika ako nakakita talaga ng naninigarilyo sa loob ng kotse na nakataas ang bintana. Hello?! Kung hindi man mga tanga ang mga taong yun, hindi ko na alam kung ano pang tawag sakanila. Tapos magtataka pa sila kung bakit sila mag-k-k-cancer. Hindi ba sila makapaghintay na umabot sa nearest Starbucks or at least to get out of their cars bago magsindi? Kung ano man ang sinabing kasalanan ng tobacco industry na ni-m-misrepresent nila ang real harm ng paninigarilyo sa paglagay ng "Lights" o "Low Tar", nasa discretion na yon ng smoker kung gagamit sya o hindi. Ang tanga naman ng maninigarilyo ng "Lights" or "Low Tar" kung ang isip nila ay less harmful yun. Nyek noh. Sa akin, mas gusto ko yun dahil mas light yung tama. Hindi dahil mas makakaiwas ako sa cancer. Kaya nasa discretion din yun ng smoker kung kailan sya magsisindi. Sa open air, or sa loob ng kotse na sarado ang bintana. Kung sabagay, sarili lang naman nilang hangin ang ni-p-pollute nila. Sige, okay lang. Wala na kong pakialam. Tanga parin sila though.

Labo kasi eh. Sobrang napasama yung tobacco industry at ni-rule ng isang judge yung misrepresentation na conspiracy pa daw. Hello?! Hindi ba yung mere fact na sinasabi nilang sigarilyo ang binebenta nila, enough na yun? Buti kung sinabi nilang candy ang laman ng pack. Yun ang misrepresentation.

Seriously, we don't have to make things complicated.

Pluto

2006-08-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Can the exceptional people of the International Astronomical Union decide already how they are going to define what a planet is so I can get my nephew an updated solar system? Will it be just 8 (minus Pluto) or 10 (plus Xena) or 12 (plus Xena, Ceres and Charon) or 53 (plus all the ones currently considered as asteroids)?

2006-08-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

Ate Jinggay posted some inane conversations she had with Marivic and Tara.

I miss them. Them the people. Them the conversations.

We would be sitting out in the open-air corridors of our buildings, talking about everything, about nothing; laughing, mostly laughing, laughing out loud until our neighbors, the Capuchinos, get irritated. Not that we would stop when they would. They get irritated and we carry on.

We were just being kids. When nothing mattered.

We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? -- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

Such inane conversations keep us young. Once in a while, I would be blessed to catch them online. We had the tendency to reminisce, of course, still laughing at the same things, i.e. people (hihihi). I still ask Ate Jing for her advise on the most important thing in the world that needs intense deliberation: SHOES. Naturally, I'd be enjoying those moments. But then I'd be missing them so much. It would be so much funner to be shopping with her.

I wish I could pack them in my suitcase (that's if they'll let me of course). But then again, with all the uber high level security at airports, that's going to be harder.

Not impossible though, but harder. :P -- Phoebe's grandma, Friends

Magnetic Poetry

2006-08-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

It did overcome writer's block. I wonder where the topic of death came from though.

2006-08-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

It was immaculate, the moon. At 6 am, it peered in between two houses when I saw it this morning, huge, full, and orange, and it was as if it were a permanent fixture in the sky.

Of course, as it is with my usual connection with the moon, it gave me that momentary peace, and that reminder that there is a lot of beauty in the heavens.

It reminded me also of this one time that I had an argument with my 4-year old nephew about the mechanism of sunrise and sunset. He does not believe me that the moon does not hide behind the mountains during the day. But I was impressed on how he presented his case:

"Auntie, look," he said as he clenched both his hands into a fist and raised it up in the air, "This is the sun, and this is the moon. When the sun is up, the moon is down. And then at night the sun will go down, and then the moon will go up. See?"

"Cushie, in reality, neither the sun nor the moon goes up or down. There is our planet, Earth," and I held a fist in between both of his, "And actually, it is the Earth that is rotating."

"NO!"

The discussion was grueling. I don't think he was convinced. Same way as he was not convinced that he could not just add a Planet Steven in the Solar System.

2006-08-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

"Hey you."

"Hey! You finally thought about me today!"

"Oh no. I got up at 2:30 pm. I hung out with Alessandro last night. But I always think about you."

"Hmmm... I find that hard to believe. So where did you guys go?"

"We went to Berkeley to meet up with some of his friends."

--- after a few minutes ---

"Hey, I'm sorry I couldn't come over tonight. I have to close the restaurant."

"Well, I kind of figured when you said you woke up at 2:30. You could only take the evening off if you open."

And plus I kind of figured too when at 10 pm, you're still not here.

"Are you upset?"

"Does it matter?"

Does it matter if I were upset? Does it matter if I had been waiting for you? Does it matter that I wanted to see you tonight? Does it matter if I don't want you to leave for Europe?

Really, now. Does it matter?

Of course I did not say that out loud.

Nyek.

2006-08-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

"So are you going to keep watching that Spanish news channel?"

"Sure, I will. The only thing though it does not have any translations. So I'm going to have to make out what's happening around the world from the pictures."

"Well, use it to practice, then."

Practice? You want me to practice? Does that mean that you want me to learn?

2006-08-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

I have:

cleaned my bathroom (including my oval tub)
cooked my lunch for all of next week
logged one issue of Conde Nast Traveler to my library database
read that issue of the magazine
answered my 100 item GMP questionnaire
treated my hair with coconut hot oil home treatment
read 3 lessons from my French coursebook
done 200 sit-ups
spoken with Apes on the phone
baked a dozen cupcakes
had dinner.

And I am officially bored.

In between those of course were moments where I stared blankly through space, thinking only about one person. I am afraid that this person is becoming my obsession, my Zahir, as Paulo Coelho had described the character of Esther to his protagonist in his novel of the same title. He has consumed me completely. Well, my feelings for him have consumed me completely. Yet he does not know.

"Don't let him know," I was told, "He'll definitely drop you." This is because while he is my Zahir, he, on the other hand, is planning on fulfilling his Personal Legend. (I had told Paulo Coelho on a recent online discussion about The Alchemist that he very much connects to us, his readers because he talks of things that we experience in our real lives. I mean, that's two novels for me already. Add Veronika Decides to Die for my depressive state. And now that's three!)

Anyway. Like I've mentioned from my previous post, I am so much for people achieving their dreams, and because of this "love" for this man, I, naturally, would, and should, act as Fatima did. The only thing though is Santiago loved her back, and so he would return to her.

Rachel whined in Friends when Monica told her not to tell Ross about how she feels, "Why? People love hearing that!"

My thoughts exactly.

But, I'll just wait. Maybe that's what all this is teaching me. As of now my Zahir has equally driven me to a state of complete bliss to a state of madness. Not one over the other yet. When that happens though, well, I guess all I can do is imagine myself weeping by the River Piedra.

For a synopsis and my review of The Zahir, check out my multiply.

2006-08-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

"I would hate to see you leave."

"I won't be disappearing from the planet. I'd still be around."

"Of course, I know that. And don't get me wrong; I'm all for people fulfilling their dreams."

"Come and see me."

"I don't know."

"Why? Your parents?"

"Oh no!"

"Work? You can't get time off?"

"Oh I can."

"Why not then?"

"I'm just not sure if it's a good idea."

"Oh. Well, it's just something that I have been thinking of doing for the past 10 years, and now I've decided to make it happen."

"I'll visit you when you're in Venice, then."

"That's the attitude I'm looking for."

Then that's the attitude I shall have. Now I only have to convince myself and make myself be that way.

2006-08-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

tagged by VERA

3 people who make me laugh:
ate jing, cushie, rem

3 things I love:
the moon, pleasant surprises, and this scene: a girl and a guy in the comfort of each other's embrace watching the news.

3 things I hate:
pompous idiocy, the culturally inept or impudent, and not getting what I want (ooops, that may not sound so good)

3 things on my desk (at home):
2 photo printers (1 point lang yan ha :P), post card of O ren ishii from Kerlo, Take A Vision Break leaflet

3 things I am doing right now:
answering this, chatting with ate jing and marivic, listening to hed kandi

3 things I want to do before I die:
discover a scientific breakthrough, get lost (and be found, of course) in the markets of Marrakesh, make love under the stars on a yacht on Lake Como.

3 things I can do:
create the perfect bubble bath experience; shoot, enhance and frame pictures, all remarkably; follow driving directions.

3 ways to describe my personality:
trusting, decorous, vain

3 things people might not know about me:
that i write at my best when i'm depressed; that i believe in the inherent goodness of everyone; that i have some principles that i live by but i have other principles that are easily swayed.

3 things I think you should listen to:
yes, your mom -- and dad... more your mom; sirens on emergency service vehicles (move out of the way, or get hit); instructions (whether it's your prof or the inflight attendant, or whether you already know, it's very helpful)

3 things I don't think you should listen to ever:
other people's opinion about people you haven't met, anything too loud and high-pitched (it's bad for your ears, duh), and yes, novelty songs hehe

3 of my absolute favorite foods:
cheesecake, tiramisu, oysters

3 things I'd like to learn:
read, write and speak japanese fluently; swim; make ravioli from scratch

3 beverages I drink regularly:
water, milk, orange juice

3 shows I watched when I was a child:
sesame street, teenage mutant ninja turtles, shaider

3 people I tag to do this:
ay I'm such a loser, I don't know any bloggers other than ate jing and kerol. sorry. :P

2006-08-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Last day of my work week, excited for the weekend, thrilled about the class I was going to attend.

Quite happy for the first time in a while. My head filled with such positive thoughts.

All ready to go.

Then my car won't start.

First two seconds after my attempt: FUCK, FUCK!

But I was in a better mood. I did not let something like this bring me down.

"Oh. Okay," I said calmly. Took out my phone, called my coworker, asked her if she could pick me up.

So it went on pretty much like a normal day. Actually even a little better than a normal day. My coworker drove me home, and I had everything planned on how I would handle the situation. I would call my roadside assistance, have them come over, and let them do what they need to do that I know absolutely nothing about. (I did learn though this afternoon that I needed a jump start. Cool.) See, I am quite good in fixing things, actually quite a troubleshooter. I am at all not prissy with tools. Heck, I frame my own pictures, with the mat board and stuff, very professionally. But I just don't know anything about cars because I frankly never needed to. I bet you though, if I did before, I would know this. But seriously, ugh.

Nice lady answers and tells me that Mr. Tow Truck person guy will be here an hour later, which was okay, really. I would have time to clean my place a little bit before Jesus comes, shave my legs, post a blog, and have time to spare. Thirty minutes after I placed the call, another nice lady called to tell me that Mr. Tow Truck Man was at the gate. Oh, goodie then.

Apparently the three minutes of him going around my apartment complex to look for my parking space threw him off. This grumpy old man who I was entrusting my car to was just too, well, grumpy! Instead of unscrewing the cover of my battery, he was freaking pulling it apart! I was trying to get the better of me, it is too good of a day to be spoiled by this jerk. So my car starts, good; I drive around, good; I turned the engine off and on again, uh-oh. Me having had the misfortune of meeting grumpy old Mr. Tow Truck Man was futile.

Ugh.

Thankfully, Jesus is coming over, we're going to work on it, see what we can do.

I hate to say this, but apparently, aside from sex and possible emotional and existential fulfillment, that's another point for having a man in a woman's life.

2006-08-02T23:08:00.000-07:00

Okay.

I made it through the creation of my blog to using a skin to adding links to posting this message.

I think I can shut my eyes now.

Tomorrow is my Friday, so there shall be some postings galore.

Ate Jing, thanks again! Mwah!

Comment-allez vous?

2006-08-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

"How are you?" One asks.

The other one pauses.

"Spare me five minutes, and I'll tell you how I am," one answers, "otherwise, I am doing alright."